I guess I’m feeling a little sentimental tonight so prepare yourself for a potentially sickening post; alternatively, keep scrollin’ bub.
Christmas 2015 was easily the worst Christmas of my life. Suddenly single, after the breakdown of a very long term relationship, I was about to go into the new year – and into my thirties – alone, and suddenly residing back in my Parents’ house; in a tiny box bedroom not even really fit for a child. And here I was, my entire life fitting inside it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so truly low. I felt pathetic. I felt like an abject failure.
All around me, friends and family were getting into the Christmas spirit, but all I wanted to do was retreat and hide away; or drink myself into a state of comfortable apathy. “Happy fucking Christmas”, I thought to myself. “What a crock of shit”. I hadn’t grown as a person in many years. If anything, I’d devolved. And as December bled into January, I descended into a form of madness; gripped by anxiety and depression, I struggled to get out of bed most days.
I don’t blame anyone for how that year began, least of all the ex that left. Far from it. Everything occurred as it should have. She made the right decision for both of us. But even still, my existence had become an endless shade of grey, and the days and months merged together in a flurry of self-destruction and a growing addiction to Tinder.
Lower and lower I fell, to the point that I thought I’d never see light above me again. But then something amazing happened. Swiping away one casual Sunday after a heavy night out, I saw Laura Tomkińsberglovskivich… My breath caught in my throat. “There’s something about this girl” I thought to myself. I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly, but in an endless blur of faces, hers immediately snapped into sharp focus. I didn’t swipe right; I swiped up. Superlike.
My breath caught again. For instantly, it was a match.
The conversation evolved quickly. This girl was on another level. She engaged me straight away, and I’m ADHD as hell, meaning extremely difficult to engage for anything over fifteen seconds. But Laura…I talked to her for hours on end, neglecting all else. I found her impossible to tear myself away from. And I still do.
I didn’t expect to find what I found on something as shallow and crass as an online dating app. But sometimes, in a field of dead flowers, it’s possible to find a rose. Yesterday, Laura and I had our first Christmas together, and I can’t even believe the contrast from last year.
Laura brought the colour back into my life, brighter than I ever remember it being before, and although there’s been conflict, we’ve come through it. I can feel myself growing again, changing, quite possibly into the man I always thought I should be.
Full disclosure, some of these changes have emerged through the treatment I’ve been receiving for a Generalised Anxiety Disorder I was recently diagnosed with, but I don’t think I’d have even pursued that diagnosis if she hadn’t imbued me with the strength to. The fear that’s gripped me throughout my adult life is falling away from me, and suddenly, with her, I feel like I can face anything.
Things can change in the blink of an eye. Life is good. No, life is fucking great. “Happy Christmas,” I’m thinking. “You’re god damn right it is.”
Love you Princess. From the bottom of my black heart.